Something New

By RacersMommy | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

So after reading over at Gina's blog I found her sunday cartoon series she's working on. Loving the idea I hopped over to www.toondoo.com and made my own. lol after the kids all fighting over what they looked like this is what we came up with. So check it out, make one and link up with Gina at her Sunday Special

A Thank You of Sorts

Its midnight, I've been sick...I managed to get to bed super early tonight but woke up and now I'm wide awake. I tried to go back to bed, because when else by the grace of whoever would this extra magical sleep be given to me. But I couldn't and as I was laying there I was thinking about how I haven't blogged and when I don't I have so much pent up crap. As I lay there I thought about how my blogs lately have been a lil depressing. I try not to think of it that way, because I'm not depressed not in the least. What I am is living a life unplanned, and lately I've been thinking about that more and more. Spring break is coming up and all I can think about is how much I'm dreading it. Not because I'll be in the house with 7 kids, but because times like these are hard for Racer which in turn makes it hard for the rest of us. I've set my mind on planning a weeks worth of fun things to do with them to keep the boredom away. Problem is that it won't keep autism away, maybe for a day or two if I'm lucky but that's a leap.

And with that this brings me to the life unplanned....a few days ago I was talking to someone about what used to be. Got me thinking to 3yrs ago when stuff was a lot easier. That was right before we got the Dx for Racer, back when his being different was odd but it wasn't autism. And that got me to thinking about why it was so important to get that Dx, because that changed a lot, it changed everything. It made life harder, it made me a stronger mother but it also made me very angry at the world. I've become a force of nature, something that I'm not always proud of. Because of that I have very little patience for people, everything has a place and a time and if its not the way it should be I can't stand it. I can't stand stupid humor, or annoying people. And now I'm starting to rant lol But let me say this, in a world of people I can't stand there are a group of people that I'm grateful for. My friends, and my close family, I'm grateful for my readers, and for those people who have told me how much all my blogging means to them. Its those comments that love that I hold close to my heart, its what gets me through the dark parts of it all because I know those people will be there no matter what. And even if the annoying people outweigh the wonderful people I know it means a lot just to have them.

So here it is folks, my blog that brings me back  to blogging, the venting, ranting and laughter will continue because its what gets me by along with all the friends that I am grateful for.

What Do You Want To Be?

I have two blogs to post today but this one comes first. I've come to a point that the only future thinking I want to worry about it making sure Racer has money when he gets older. I don't want to worry about him in that way, regardless of where he's at or what he's doing I want to make sure money is not a problem. I used to always worry about  Racer future, would he go to college, would he still be living with me and his dad? But I've realized that it could be any of my kids that face those same issues but Racers autism makes him uniquely special in that respect.

So today at the award show the VP asked the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. Now all the kids hands shot up and after a small delay Racer brought his hand up. Most kids answered the usual cop, or doctor, teacher or vet. And I've never posed this question to Racer, there is always so much other stuff we are dealing with to worry about it. When he got to him, Racer just froze, I kind of had that gut check feeling knowing this isn't something that we have ever dealt with. I looked over to his teacher who smiled at me and then walked over to Racer and whispered something to him. When the VP came back around his teacher motioned over to Racer and was asked again what he wanted to be, over the mic.... (giggles frm other parents)

 Racer says "uhhhh"  (giggles frm other parents)

Teacher: Remember what you just told me?

Racer: (mumbles) Cop

Now I suppose I would be thankful to the teacher for getting him to say something, but who's benefit was it for? I know Racer has never been prepped like that, to expect him to even think about that right now seems silly. He lives in the literal world and future stuff doesn't matter to him. I really didn't need her putting on a show for my benefit....and after I write this I'm not going to think on it any further.

When Racer got him and had his millionth snack and finished his homework, he was sitting in my lap playing puzzles on my phone. I asked him what he wanted to be when he got bigger, and he whispered Fireman, when I asked him why he said "because they save the day". I hugged his lil stone body and smiled to myself, because that was all I needed to hear.

Holla!!

I totally already posted my blog for the day but then this song came on my pandora and it makes me think about Racer and me and his world

I Met Someone!!

I met someone who makes my heart race and gets me excited!!! The school principle! And before you get all pervy here let me explain!

As you all know I've had a really hard time getting Racer to school, I just can't force myself to drag him down the streets kicking and screaming sometimes. Its heart breaking and depressing that I lost him that way, he used to love going to school and its gone. Anyways the school principle called me into a meeting today about his attendance. I wasn't sure how to feel about all of this, was I to be defensive or upset or emotional? Up until now its been nothing but stone walls, no one wants to help but everyone keeps insisting he go to school.

The week of gifts worked but I could break the bank going down that road and I want him to  feel comfortable being there, not just thinking in the back of his mind that he's getting gifts and suffering for some awesome puzzle. Then the week after that he was line leader and I used that to get him to school because he knew his job was important. During that week I had a small conversation with the teacher that she was so glad that he was going to school....BUT wasn't sure what was going to happen next week when he didn't have a job to do. Everyone has just stressed about how important it is that he is there, but where is the support to get him there and the understanding about why this is going on? What makes me think is that ONE they don't care, or TWO they don't believe me and Racers dad when we say that he doesn't want to come. And is that because he "looks" fine when he is there? Because he isn't when he comes home, he isn't on Friday when we've hit the end of the week and is to over stressed and stimulated to even want to focus. Does his teacher even know what to look for when he is sensory seeking? I would hate to think that she just assumed he's like all other cases, his stims in public are very faint but if you know what you are looking at then you know what you need to see. Because no one has asked me what they are.

Anyways.... I was nervous going into this meeting. BUT and here is the shocker, it went really well! I was overcome, because finally someone was listening! She suggested some ideas for home and that she was going to talk to Racers IEP team. That she was at least willing to listen and hear me out and work with me instead of just brushing me off makes me feel wonderful and empowered! Its sad that I had to go in there defensive, sad that I had to have my guard up because sometimes we meet some wonderful people that are willing to help in the face of all the stone walls.

For Deeds 3/7/11

Some very exciting events going on for our lil friend Deeds!! First off the twitter party that was hosted helped them raise over a 100 dollars! Please remember that every lil bit helps and adds up, so if you feel like you can't contribute much its still something. The YuckMouths are hard at work collecting cans and bottles to recycle and send the money to Deeds for his service dog.

Now in case you missed it here is Deed's story ! But more news has come down the pipe from the most awesome mom of all over at the Monster house.....lots of stuff to read my lovely friends. But most of all I hope that you can all donate whatever you can to help Deeds!!!

I'm selfish

I put up, live, hate, love, tolerate, with autism....some how that sentence doesn't make sense but it does to me. There isn't one day that autism isn't around, its here to stay and that's how I put up with it. Some days I love it, I make sure that I take a extra ten minutes to walk to school with Racer because he loves counting the bricks outside of the church that we pass, and looking at the birds on the wire and asking me where they go when the fly off. I love how his lil mind works always thinking, I can see it in his eyes when he tries to form big questions for me. The way his fingers fiddle with his shirt and how his lil eyebrows lift when he's just about got it. And I love his smush face when I say something funny to him (funny for me) and he doesn't want to laugh but I know he is on the inside. But most of all I miss all the things that he doesn't do, and this is when I hate autism.

We are a very loving family, I come from a very loving family. We are all hugs and kisses and facial expressions of love. And I want that from my son! I hate that autism takes him from me in that way! It sucks and its horrible! Sure I know he loves me, why wouldn't he? He's my son and all kids love their parents, but I want to hear it! I want to be showered with lil kisses and hugs! I want him to turn around and wave goodbye when I drop him off at school, not because I've trained him to but because he wants to. And this sucks and I feel selfish for even thinking about how horrible autism is right now.

I love and adore when I see lil bursts of his love (in his own way). The few times I have heard him say I love you without prompts. The few kisses I've gotten.....but its hard, he's five and I can count these times on one hand.

I started feeling this way when CareBear started giving everyone hugs and they are so big and so tight for such a lil girl. And she loves giving them to Racer and he stands there oddly still like stone and endures it. I feel sad for them....both CareBear and PigPen love him so much and they question his standoffish-ness.

As we sit and wait and wait some more for therapy for him, for some sort of break thru in social skills, it gets harder and harder and I hate it.