A Mothers Frustration ~Dear Vice Principal

Dear Vice Principal,

There are a few things I  need you to know. While my son may seem like a behavior problem and that I'm wishful thinking that he has some sort of special need that would explain away his problems. There is an entire back story you don't know about.

While you've only had these problems with him for the last 4 months, we've been dealing with this for the last 3 years. It started in first grade, when he had a teacher who wasn't so firm or strict I'd call her wishy washy. The problems started then and I voiced my opinions when it started getting out of control. We were referred to SST, then we were lied to about missing paperwork, and paperwork that was never filed and then it was well we filed the wrong paperwork because there is new paperwork. Cut to this teacher retiring and now we'll never know the truth.

Second grade, this is the horror story that I wish never was. This is the year the problems got worse, when he was leaving the classroom and running around campus. This is the year his teacher demeaned him in front of his classmates. This is the year that his teacher ripped his Easter Basket and Bunny in front of him and told him he couldn't go to the Easter party. This is also the year that the school finally decided to test him....at the end of the school year mind you. So that the testing would take longer, so that it wouldn't be complete because his new third grade teacher wouldn't know enough about him to fill out her questionnaire about him.  I cried watching a video of the destruction he caused when his paper was ripped up, at the end of that video my son was sitting hiding under a table.

Third grade....this was the year I was hoping for. Finally we'd get Wolverine some help, this was going to be the year EVERYTHING changed. The year started off slowly, he was doing ok in his class then like all previous years it took a steep dive into the previous behaviors. He was sent home 3 days out of the 5 most weeks. There were days he'd never make it to class because he would hide and then walk around campus. Who was watching my son? Who was making sure he was safe in the one place he was supposed to be protected the most in?

The IEP day  came, I wasn't nervous one bit because with all the problems Wolverine was having who would deny him services? I was seriously wrong, I sat in that meeting gap jawed and in shock. Here sat a group of professionals telling me that all of Wolverines problems weren't anything more than a lack of parenting skills. He excelled at 1:1 testing. He's a bright kid they said, you just need to enforce more that he goes to school and to each class. (because you know, we weren't showing him how important it was already)

It didn't matter that his teacher noticed a entirely different change in him when it was time for a change in classrooms. It didn't matter that he was leaving class and running around. It didn't matter even more that he was at or near borderline for DEPRESSION, HYPERACTIVITY, AGGRESSION, ATYPICALITY, WITHDRAWAL AND ATTENTION PROBLEMS.

None of that mattered because he wasn't learning disabled....so it had to be the parents right? It didn't matter that both I and his previous teacher noted the same scores and that Wolverine himself had the same scores as both I and his teacher.

I refused to sign this IEP, I knew they would have to take it back to the district, I knew that I could also ask for outside testing to be done at the cost of the school.

But at home trouble was brewing that most people didn't know about. We were about to be homeless, that 30 day timelime I kept in the back of my head was soon forgotten because we lost our house, we lost our dogs and barely able to move in enough time to have a roof over our heads.


Which brings us to current. Lets see what we already know.

1. We know that further testing was requested by the SpEd district.

2. We know that it was never done, that I was never contacted to have that testing started or done.

3. We moved into your school in Jan, plenty of time for that testing to have been finished. For them to realize
    there was more to Wolverines problems then previously stated.

4. Wolverine in the 5 months he has been at your school he has been suspended 3 times. With this last time coming to a head because you decided to put yourself between Wolverine and the wall. That you have threaten to call the police if that happened again.

But let me tell you what I know, what I know to be true for a parent who already has one child with special needs. Who makes it her life's work to help others, to inform herself of laws and regulations and behavior plans and the ins and outs of an IEP.

1. If Wolverine had been tested earlier for an emotional disability, it would have been found that he has one.

2. Because of that he would have a behavior plan. A plan in place to prevent the issues we are having.

3 He'd have a para, because he is a runner. He will ditch when it gets to much for him. A para would know how to handle this kind of situation. YOU never would have been called in to forcibly remove my son from a classroom.


But here is what I really know, YOU have no idea how to handle a child with a possible special need. YOU have no idea what is and what isn't with a special needs child. The perfect example of this is when you told me "well shouldn't Racer be fine now because we punished his bully?" If you knew ANYTHING about him or Autism you'd know we were dealing with a lot more then just a bully but a frame of mind. But my biggest issue with you.....is the fact that YOU made the decision to put yourself between Wolverine and the wall. YOU put yourself in harms way. YOU have no idea what is going on in his head and YOU have no idea how to handle the situation.

But I promise you that once Wolverine gets his IEP once he's protected and plans are in place to prevent him from getting suspended again and again. That YOU will never have to handle him again.

Sincerely,
Frustrated Mother

The IEP from Hell

That's my two youngest boys there. They are both special needs and I love them to death, I'd walk over hot coals to get them the services they need. 

For Racer, getting help hasn't been as hard as its been getting help for Wolverine. But the need is still there, that need for services won't ever go away. 

This picture was taken on a day where my older daughter wasn't with us, on those days the boys cling to each other, they need each other. Whether they realize it or not I think deep down inside they see how different they are and that forms their closeness.

Since birth Wolverine has been different, he was my 4th born and in no way does that make me an expert but I knew he was. All babies like to be burrito wrapped, but Wolverine was at least 8 months old and still needing that wrapped feeling. He liked the dark, so I would have to put a blanket over his bassinet and he would be fine. He never craved that close comfort from either me or his dad, and only really allow me to barely hold him, he would scream and cry when Roy held him. It was odd but when we took him to the doc they said he was fine. When he was lil he was always just a little more bouncy then the rest of the kids, a little more aggressive then them as well. BUT he was my first full term boy, my oldest son was born premie so he wasn't much of a guideline as to what boys are like. 

It wasn't until school started that I thought we might have more of a problem then just the usual "boys will be boys" behavior. Kinder was a breeze for him, the teacher was stern but nice, but home life wasn't any better. The aggression was off the charts, it was almost like he knew he couldn't misbehave at school and brought it all home. I looked into all sorts of things it could possibly be ADHD being one of them, but every where I looked most places and research says that kids can't be Dx until there are issues both at school and home. For now I just had a emotional wreck of a 5yr old.

1st and 2nd grade were pretty much the same, start off really great but then it turned horribly bad, with behavior issues and outbursts and aggression. Towards the end of 2nd grade I finally got them to listen and agree to test him. I've blogged about it before and you can read it here and part 2 to that blog is here.

Finally the evaluation process is done. I was feeling good about it, I mean with all that Wolverine has done how could they not see that there was a problem......boy was I wrong!

Long story short they aren't giving him services, they feel that since he tested really well ONE ON ONE that he's fine. He's really smart, and at grade level and showed no problems focusing or any hyper activity.......ONE ON ONE. For those of you who have gone through the testing process, you know they send questionnaires  home for the parents to fill out, they also give them to the teacher and one to Wolverine to fill out. 

For the first time ever my answers along with the teachers answers were almost the same, we found him to either be "at risk" or having a problem in most of the same areas. But even this didn't matter to the special needs team. What a real eye opener was the results of Wolverines questionnaires....Now for those not knowing, most of the scores either have to be 70 or up to receive services, and others have to be lower then 30. But according to Wolverines answers he scored a 69 in the area of depression, so he's "at risk" BUT still they aren't going to do anything! 

I was shocked and shaking, and so pissed, that here they were saying he was "at risk" for certain things but since he tested really well he doesn't get services. No it didn't matter that they tested him alone, no it didn't matter that when he goes to class he refuses to do work and flips off the teacher, no it doesn't matter that he won't do rotations and so his other two teachers don't even know who the heck he is. None of that matters...cause guess what?!! It was all mine and Roys fault, we are apparently pawns in an 8yrs olds grand scheme to create domination and control....now that may be a paraphrasing BUT WTF IS THAT?  All his problems at school are MY FAULT?!! I'm not even fucking there but its my fault.

Bottom line, I refused to sign it....I left shaking and crying. Got home and relayed all of this to Roy and then we just kind of sat there. I don't even know where to begin when someone tells me my sweetheart of a lil boy is at risk for depression. I don't even know if he knows what it means....how do you tell your child that even though he knows he can't control what is going on inside his head and body that he's ok? 

So I pulled him from school, he's going to be doing this homeschooling online classes till we get the answers he needs. I can't let it go that he's at risk for anything and that the school refuses to do ANYTHING about it. Even as I sit here now writing this I look at the test scores and just cry, why or how they can let him wander the halls and look at him and know that this child is depressed or could be is a mystery to me. 

YuckMouth House Displaced~~~ Part two

So our countdown has begun. The new owner came today with paperwork for us to look over and sign when we are ready. His company will serve us with a 60 day notice which is standard for CA. Meanwhile I've been looking and its kind of grim. No places that are decent for a family take as many people as we have, or pets. I'll be looking into "no-kill" shelters for the dogs which is just going to break everyones hearts.

But I still haven't given up hope, I still believe that it won't go down like this. I have faith that we will find a place for all of us and the dogs even if it means moving out of state. I refuse to give up hope.

I plan on keeping the blog updated for whats going on in the YuckMouth house. Still plan to sell my autism jars cause every jar I sell makes this house money. If not to help us move but to get Racer the stuff he needs to deal with his everyday life.

Not down or out just yet!

My Limit

I must have stared blankly at this screen for a while....all I know is that what runs through my head when I'm about to blog is the millions of things that happen during the day. All of it happens right in front of this computer, in my living room and bedroom.

The screaming and meltdowns, the 5 normal (well sorta) kids and all their issues. Then there is the 3 that have issues. There is Racer with his speech issues, coupled with autism and his fears and his SPD. I have Wolverine with this ADHD and all the screaming and mood swings and just horrible things that come out of his mouth sometimes. At the tail end of all of this I have my sweet PigPen, who struggles with speech just getting someone to understand anything that comes out of her mouth can create a screaming fit throwing meltdown that sets off everyone else in the house. She's got some aspie qualities in there but its mostly the speech that all of a sudden has become more of a issue.

So I sit here day in and day out, trying to figure out a game plan, trying to get through one more day. To reach the end of it so I can maybe sleep? Maybe spend some time with the man I love and father of my children.

So lets just on top of all that, throw in there the bullshit issues with the insurance company, the issues with the school district we've been having. The possibility of being homeless in 30 days, losing the pets cause we can't take them to an apartment.

I wake up to this everyday, its my life and I embrace it with every ounce of my body. But today I thought about something, I thought about how its not just me that goes through this. Its not just my everyday crap its someone elses everyday crap. I embrace those who like me have no where to turn but our blogs and our online support groups. I may be surrounded by family and friends but the other day when I was filling out job applications I couldn't count on one hand all the local friends I might have to use as a reference. That makes me sad, it actually makes me cry.

In this world of autism its become very lonely, the one person the other adult who understands our daily struggles is so overwhelmed with the same issues that when bedtime finally comes for us its crash and burn time.

I can say with great honesty that my online friends are the ones who get me through. The support of my parents when I let them in to all that we go through, is what helps.

This blog post has made me cry more then I actually wanted to....but I needed to write this. If not for me then for all the others who struggle in silence, alone. Know that you are not alone....

The YuckMouth Family is Being Displaced

Strange how everything can change in a split second, what you thought would last doesn't and then you are left holding the cards to this new strange life you never thought you'd have.


I can say I'm a strong person, I can handle stress to a point and that point is far off. Then the world collapsed on my life and I don't know what to do with the pieces. Sounds dramatic right? Yesterday we found out the landlord up and sold the house we were renting without letting us know. The new owners came over and told us that the sale was closing next week. They are giving us 30-45 days to move out, also giving us moving money and not making us pay rent while we lived there. As I stood there and talked to this couple the bottom fell out from beneath me, I just stood there is shock. When they finally left it turns out that I was outside talking to them for 20 minutes, it didn't even feel like that. But I just lost it, where were we going to go? What about the kids and the fact that they start school in 30 days? I couldn't believe it and I couldn't speak.

I'm really at a loss for words, with all the insurance drama I'm going through. Can't find a Speech therapist for Racer, Wolverine is in the middle of a timeline for his evaluation for ADHD, and the rest of the kids?

The shock of it all comes and goes....then I think about things like what about the dogs? I think about having to start off all over again with a new district and services for the boys...will that be a good thing? Most of all I think where the hell are we going to go? It was hell looking for a place to live with the last move and we were minus the two youngest. I can't even think about not finding a place or even being homeless....will it get to that?

For now we have 30-45 days

Fathers Day ~ For Roy

I got to thinking about dads and Fathers Day and how over the years its dramatically changed for us. Most don't know that there was quite a period of time before the autism came to be. There would be movies and dinners out, extended shopping trips and theme parks almost every weekend. The change was slow to be sure, it happened over a time and then all of a sudden I almost didn't even remember when the last time we went out was.

But here it was on Fathers Day, when dads are out, parties are taking place and here we are at home. I have to give the YM daddy a lot of credit. Most don't know he used to work in the movie/tv industry, he's used to the hustle and bustle of the crowd. He's used to parties and hanging out with friends and family, and in a way we are all.

He takes it all in stride that both his sons are different. That there might not be sports and taking a interest in what he does. Instead its replaced by legos and therapy and meltdowns. All those hopes for the college football star are put aside for the hopes of words and peer play. The things that fathers take for granted with their own children aren't there for the YM daddy. But everyday he wakes up and he loves his kids no matter the differences. He's learned to play, interact and love differently.

I applaud him for being the man he is today and everyday because he is my rock, he is the kids rock. He should have his own theme song. So even though today is "Fathers Day" and we should be honoring the man that gave them life. I want to honor him everyday by being the father that most men aren't, that most men don't think about. The father that takes everyday in the world of autism and ADHD and he makes it his own. That he doesn't just love his kids he loves their differences.

Searching For Change

I really wanted to blog about how depressed I've become, how I think the system is failing my sons. But my story is not uncommon and any different then millions of other parents out there struggling to do the right thing for their kids. I suppose that I could sit here and wallow in self pity and depression, totally throw in the towel and call it a day. But acceptance has never been my strong suit, it has never been my position to roll over and take it laying down.

So now how do we (I) fix it? Where to begin? I thought my blog would be enough, that my daily posts would bring my voice to a much needed community. But it has brought my attention more to the fact that there are so many out there like myself, begging and pleading for anyone to listen. Taking the small handouts of help in the hopes that its enough. Taking the snide and callous remarks of other parents and teachers and officials regardless of the right and wrong of it. Most of us take it, we smile and we push on in the hopes that maybe next year someone will listen. Meanwhile our kids sit quietly in the corner, or behave in a way that makes them look like the aggressor.

When will that change?

Never Again Part 2

I've never doubted the power of just one person....one voice can make millions listen sometimes. In my case it has been my loud momma bear one. I hate being "that" person, I hate my kids being "that" person but sometimes it just has to be that way.

Since the 24th its been somewhat of a whirlwind of events and missed appts, trying to fix things for Wolverine. But since that date I have also been able to secure him to be looked at by the special needs team. I wasn't breathing easy since then but I felt like at least something was now being done. Yesterday he was home from school for a doc appt so it was a fairly quiet day considering. Of course the random out burst and meltdowns over the most simplest things but that has become fairly routine with us.

This morning was no different, he woke up yelling and screaming about going to school but he gets dressed and begrudgingly walks to school. Around 11am I get a call because Wolverine has walked out of class for the second time today and now he needs to be picked up. I didn't have the willpower to want to struggle with him again so I sent the Daddy to go get him. Now we live maybe 10 mins from the school but he was gone for a whole hour! I figured he was talking to the school VP about Wolverine but I was sadly mistaken. Apparently the YM daddy got his workout for the morning chasing him around the school to come home, then having to carry him off school grounds to come home, then chase him the 10 min walk home. Now it gets bad in my house...broken toys and ripped books, broken doors and ducking from flung items BUT this!..its never been that bad.  *sigh*

The irony of all of this...the school VP tells the hubs that now he understands what we've been talking about all year long.

To this I say  (if you don't like cussing you should stop reading now)




FUCK YOU! Fuck you for telling me that it was a behavior parental problem! Fuck you for ever doubting that I didn't know what was going on with my OWN FUCKING SON! Fuck you for judging me as some over zealous parent! And finally FUCK YOU for thinking that now I can ever respect you as a school official, YOU dropped the ball and my son has suffered all year long because you lagged! FUCK YOU!