Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Stuck in Time

When I look at my kids I can sometimes see the future them, my momma hen she's gonna be someones boss lol she just has that way about her caring and loving but don't get in her way or she's knock you out. My Wolverine, he's gonna play sports or like he's always said be a armyguy like his uncle (but in the marines) he's a bruiser but he cares about his sibs. And you can't tell by looking at him but he loves to hug his mommy I see his heart and his strength. My lil pigpen she is my drama mama beauty queen, loves to be the center of attention and taking pics. She is Racer heart all the wonderful things about Racer she sees and it shines through her. My oldest teens lol even though they drive me bonkers they are going to do great things because underneath all that teenage crap they are great people because they have wonderful family standing behind them pushing them all the way to the finish line. Then there is the baby, she doesn't do much now but she is so smart and wide eyed and always listening. And here is where the tears come, I look at Racer and see all the potential all the things I hope for him but I feel stuck in time because his future to me is clouded.

Now I know what your going to say, that there are so many possibilities out there for him, chances for him to succeed. I love my son, I love who he is and regardless of the things I know about him, his limitations I always hope for big things. That is all I have is hope, I read so many stories of children moving on to college, moving out and living productive lives with autism. But we are stuck in time with him, sensory wise and socially sometimes it brings tears to my eyes at how much he is going to have to struggle in those areas in order to make his way through life. There are so many things I want him to be able to do now that I can't see the future because we are stuck here.

Now I have to also say that he has come such a long way. If you were to have seen him 2 years ago he was not the same child, non verbal, still so babyish at age 3. Those days seem so far away, in such a dark time for the entire family because we didn't have a clear clue as to what we were dealing with. Hell we still don't some days. Everyday is adventure and new insight to who Racer is. What I know right now is that my son is happy, I know he loves me even if he can't say it to me. I can look deep into his eyes even if its just for a quick second and I see his soul, his love for us. And even if he can't always cuddle I know that he wants that deep affection when he sits at my side. When I see him wrestle with daddy and his sibs I know that he wants to be close to them. And when he lets his grandma hug him its  means a lot because he doesn't let anyone who doesn't live in this house touch him. So even if we are stuck in time right now I'm going to cherish every second with my son....because tomorrow always brings something different.


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