Defeated....

Autism won today......not a choice I made freely. Its been a bad week of no sleep and sick YuckMouths, even Daddy YM got sick. (btw my bathroom still smells of puke!) I feel defeated, tired and restless. Lots of things that still need to be done but I'm ready to give up....but I won't, I can't. Because even though I feel this way there are eight people still counting on mommy to get them thru the day. And Racer will still wake up in the morning bugging for a breakfast he won't eat and cartoons till its time to scream about school. In the grand scheme of things I can't complain much, and mostly I don't but maybe that's my downfall. I don't cry out for help when I should. I take to much on when I already have a full plate. But so is the life of the mommy, we are the know all be all end all of everything.

Today on my twitter I was lucky enough to laugh and share with some very good twitter friends of mine. But I've noticed that I have more e-friends then I do IRL friends....but don't cry for me lol. Its my own fault, I tend to shy away from normal people and their normal kids in their normal lives. Its sad in a way, the other day I attempted to talk to another mom since her kid was in the same class as Racer and I was at a loss for words. I mean what do you say? "hi my name is _____ lets be friends, but don't freak out when my son starts squawking  like a seagull or he screams like a scared little girl." lol all those thoughts run through my head and I turn into a deer caught in the headlights. And do that smile and nod at how cute our kids are being as they run to class. I scan the crowds of parents looking for the other ones that look like I feel, but their are none. So I come home jump on my twitter and find company with the e-friends that I have bonded with, the ones that have the links I need the laughs I crave and the understanding that I so need. Without them I think I would have lost my mind by now.

But I have to credit one person who for the last few years has kept my head above water on those most horrible days. And that is my dear friend Nidia, though she may never read this, she has gone from e-friend to IRL friend. She deals with the same issues and treads the same murky waters I do. And for her I am truly grateful there are lots I couldn't have done without her. There is also YM daddy but he knows more then anything that I am truly grateful that he is around and supportive...in a world where most dads don't get involved he is there every step of the way and I love him for that!. (P.S my bathroom still smells)