Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Words That Aren't There

I'm very blessed, Racer went from non verbal to a whole lot of speech in over a year. But we're still lacking a lot, it crushes my spirit when I hear comments like "well he's talking a lot", when there is so much more to speech then talking. Which brings me to last night, I ventured into bed some time around 2am and around 2:30am I hear Racer sort of do this grunting scream. Now usually I'd jump right out of bed to see what was wrong but this time I didn't because usually what follows is crying and him coming into bed, but this time it was followed by more silence. Then it came, his running footsteps and hurdle into my bed. 

Now this usually goes two 

1. He will rock and scream in what seems like pain for hours it seems
2. He's crash right on top of me or next to me and fall asleep.

Last night was a third option, this was something new and this is how it went. He came into the bed cried a bit and then fell into my arms. He wanted to cuddle and have me wrap my arms around him. Now usually he lets me  hug him a bit in bed but gets annoyed with being that close to someone and hates the ever slightest breath on his head or near his ears. I've even gone as far as to pull my head back away from him but he still freaks out by it. As I'm holding him, I can feel his tense little body twitch and sort of struggle with itself and then it happened, I felt him relax and start to sleep. I lay there for a bit with him in my arms and started to cry because I realized that this is the first time since he was a baby that he's fallen asleep in my arms without being in full meltdown mode. I lay there thinking about all the words he can't say, the words that escape him because he doesn't understand what's happening to his body. Some where in all that thinking and crying I fell asleep, when I woke up this morning he was right in his usual spot, near my knees and in his sort of circle of space he has for himself. Its those times when he's asleep that I wish I could peek into his head and understand his struggles. I want for those to be my struggles, because no matter how many words he says now, there are still so many that aren't there and that breaks my heart.


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