I'm selfish

I put up, live, hate, love, tolerate, with autism....some how that sentence doesn't make sense but it does to me. There isn't one day that autism isn't around, its here to stay and that's how I put up with it. Some days I love it, I make sure that I take a extra ten minutes to walk to school with Racer because he loves counting the bricks outside of the church that we pass, and looking at the birds on the wire and asking me where they go when the fly off. I love how his lil mind works always thinking, I can see it in his eyes when he tries to form big questions for me. The way his fingers fiddle with his shirt and how his lil eyebrows lift when he's just about got it. And I love his smush face when I say something funny to him (funny for me) and he doesn't want to laugh but I know he is on the inside. But most of all I miss all the things that he doesn't do, and this is when I hate autism.

We are a very loving family, I come from a very loving family. We are all hugs and kisses and facial expressions of love. And I want that from my son! I hate that autism takes him from me in that way! It sucks and its horrible! Sure I know he loves me, why wouldn't he? He's my son and all kids love their parents, but I want to hear it! I want to be showered with lil kisses and hugs! I want him to turn around and wave goodbye when I drop him off at school, not because I've trained him to but because he wants to. And this sucks and I feel selfish for even thinking about how horrible autism is right now.

I love and adore when I see lil bursts of his love (in his own way). The few times I have heard him say I love you without prompts. The few kisses I've gotten.....but its hard, he's five and I can count these times on one hand.

I started feeling this way when CareBear started giving everyone hugs and they are so big and so tight for such a lil girl. And she loves giving them to Racer and he stands there oddly still like stone and endures it. I feel sad for them....both CareBear and PigPen love him so much and they question his standoffish-ness.

As we sit and wait and wait some more for therapy for him, for some sort of break thru in social skills, it gets harder and harder and I hate it.