The Wait Finger

The other day Racer was asking me about his fingers. Asked me which one was the middle finger, and then he pointer to his pointer finger and asked me what it was called. I told him it was the pointer finger and he said "no, that's the wait finger" lol I laughed and asked him why and he said "because that's the finger you use when you tell me to wait" lol damn that kid

And btw looking for a image by googling pointer finger yielded all kinds of weird shit lol

I'm a Bad Mother?! Part Two

Ok I was going to write this tomorrow but I've got requests to finish this today so here we go...

The whole bad mom thing came as I was walking Racer to school and realized that he was in fact wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday and then slept in. But damn it I had him up and ready and willing for once to go to school. lol he smelled fine and he was totally clean but that thought nagged me all the way to school. I got over it by thinking about how I actually got him to school without causing a problem. I mean its not really that big of a deal right? lol He was happy to go and I was happy to send him on his way. Lucky for us we ended up a lil early because this is how our walk went.

Usually I try to give a extra five minutes of walking time in the morning, Racer likes to count the bricks in front of the church and lately we've added not stepping on the lines in the sidewalk to our walking routine. I've asked Racers dad what they do in the morning and he says usually talk but Racer doesn't do any of the stuff that me and him do when he walks with his dad. (pondering that). This morning was no different except now I'm taking baby steps to walk within the lines and then Racer tells me lets not step on the black circles either. Those are old pieces of gum which truly bother him, he doesn't get why people would spit them on and leave them on the floor and he asks me why every time he notices them. So while I'm trying really hard not to step on lines, black circles and make sure he doesn't catch me. He says lets play the no talking game too! Good gravy this kid is going to be the death of me. Just as soon as we start the game he shouts BIRDS ARE OUT all along the walk its BIRDS ARE OUT. Then I hear MOMMYS OUT lol I hadn't said a word but apparently I walk to hard and my footsteps get me out.

Whatever kid I invented that game to keep my kids quiet and most of the time it works.

Some how we managed to get to school early despite all of that and the bell hadn't rang yet, a small group of kids were gathered at the gate. Times like these always make me cringe, Racer isn't much of a social creature unless I make him be social. I also hate it because it brings the looks from other parents about how my kid is totally ignoring their sweet faced kid who loves to say HI to everyone......blah whatever!

It goes like it always does, he walks up to a chorus of HI RACER he turns to look at me with that smush face he does when he's buggin and I just stood there and smiled at him....today its ok that he doesn't want to say hi. lol its ok when he hates saying goodbye to daddy in the morning but runs to hug and kiss Roger (the dog) when he leaves.

I'm a Bad Mother?!

With seven kids in the house I tend to let a lot go, I don't over stress a lot of stuff because life is short and I want my kids to be happy. Now that's not to say I don't have rules and enforce them with a big stick. Trust me my kids hate me just like everyone else's kids hate their parents. Proof of that is my currently EMO teen who refuses to speak to me other to ask when dinner is and ....well yea that's about it. lol really who does she think she's fooling? I welcome the silence, its a lot better then the "whatever mom" I've been getting lately, so carry on EMO teen. Which also brings me to angry lil daughter who is Momma Hen  and rolls her eyes at me lol keep it up I love the laughs. So last night momma hen thought it would be cool to have a costume party....ok sounds good right? Kids get all dressed in their old costumes, Racers running around in his Wolverine suit reminding me that now he has muscles. PigPen is running around in a dress, see the kid has been wearing a princess dress nonstop for a week now lol I guess her regular clothes were her costume. Anywho bedtime comes and goes and guess who's still awake around midnight....yea Racer and of course he doesn't want to change out of his costume so I tuck in lil Wolverine into bed and he falls asleep. Cut to waking up screaming and crying....sleepless night blah blah blah. I wake up, not feeling like being in bed anymore which is totally unusual for me, I'm not a morning person at all.

Me and the daddy are watching a movie  ~Life As We Know It~ It was actually a really good movie, the guy in the movie reminds me of the hubs because even 5 kids into it he's still a clueless fool lol. Around 9am Racer comes bounding into the room still fully dressed as Wolverine and I say to him "hey what's up Wolverine?" lol of course I get that whiny sort of moan that I always get when he hates what I say. We lay there for a min and I remind him that he has to go to school today (more whiny moans) And I get up mid-movie which drives the hubs insane lol. Start looking for Racers school uniform, he's following me around and says I already have my school clothes on. I look at him still dressed as Wolverine and he turns around and wants me to unzip him. He pulls off his costume and says see I'm already dressed. Now the good mom in me knows he needs to change and I remind him of this....cue more whining moans. To which I say ok fine, go get ur shoes. I walk into the bedroom and toss the daddy some clean clothes for the baby DAMN IT someone is going to wear a fresh pair of clothes today. As I get dressed I watch in laughter as he's trying to get the baby dressed, as he struggles with taking her shirt off and it gets stuck on her head then struggle to put the new one on and arms are thru head holes and wondering to myself how does he have 5 kids and still do this? SMH

And off me and Racer go to school.....lol which is going to have to be part two to this lovely lil blog that has gotten really long.

My Award, its So Pretty!! Does it Make My Blog Look Thinner?

I got an award!! Isn't it so pretty?!! And it's black, one of my favorite colors....does it make my blog look slimmer? So here's the thing, I have to first tell you seven things about me and then I have to give this pretty award to ten other bloggers. Sounds like fun right? So lets get this started! Make sure you read the rules at the bottom!!

1.I used to be super skinny when I was younger. Then I had kids and never lost the baby weight. But I sometimes feel more comfortable in my skin now then I ever was when I was a teenager.

2.I'm a avid gamer. I have my own Xbox 360 my gamertag is FritoLICIOUSLUV and I have a really good gamer score. And I don't play fluffy games I love FPS and games like Fallout

3. After my son was Dx with autism I was afraid to get close to my newborn baby. I didn't want to lose her the way we slowly lost Racer. It took a lot to get over that in silence. I haven't ever told anyone that even my hubs

4. I gave birth to my first child at the age of 18. He was born premature at 27 weeks, he is the first time I ever had to deal with a special needs child. 

5. I've done a lot of not so nice things in my life, looking back at them I wouldn't take any of it back. Its made me who I am today, and on a good day I like who I am.

6. This is a lot harder then I thought it was going to be. I'm a pretty open book to the people I trust. And as I sat and thought about what I felt was safe to share, I realized that I felt I had a lot that wasn't safe to share.

7. I was in a abusive relationship for seven years with my ex. It all stopped the day that I bashed a jar of  baby food over his head. He never hit me again, he did leave though. I was heart broken for whatever reason.

So here are the rules:

1.You have to thank and link back to the person who sent you this award. 

Gina you are awesome! I'm glad to know you, and all the info you have given me. And of course this lovely award!

2. Share seven things about yourself 

3. Share this award with 10 other people and let them know.

Here is who I picked.

Nidia ~ My daughter is my hero

Lizbeth ~Four Sea Stars

Karen ~ Solodialogue

Jen ~ Living Life With A Side Of Autism

Monique ~ Little Wonders Big Dreams

Cynthia Gregory ~ CGregory Run

Autism SuperMom

Rhonda ~ Going Insane, Wanna Come?

ThaDevineMsB ~ The Girl in the Zebra Pumps

RJ ~ Security Files

The Upside Down Show

Not many tv shows have Racer in full quiet mode. When I find one I'm on cloud nine, when I find one that all the kids will watch and not fight over then its like full on wet dream! But usually in this case I find shows that the kids have been watching on repeats and in this case its The Upside Down show. Now to my dismay this is a show that hasn't had new episodes since 2006. Here is a clip from the show. It reminds me of Racer and Wolverine sometimes, they get this crazy together.

From all the youtube videos I found this was the best one lol

Anyways in my video search on YT I came across something else, these other videos from the Umbilical Brothers.... its the same guys but totally weirder and perverted! But funny for adults!! Score! Makes me wonder what NickJr thought of these guys to give them their own tv show for kids. So through all the vids of these guys I found one that made Racer laugh and wasn't dirty and here it is

Glad I found something Racer loves but I'm gonna have to find these guys on dvd.

Bacation (vacation)

“From my life, this is the scene, my belly laugh unforeseen. I published it here, and linked to it there where Sunday Special Comics every Sunday do appear.  This is posted as part of Sunday Special Comics • Highlighting the Humor in Life on Special Happens.”

By RacersMommy | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

Death Scares Me

Not many people know this but I spent what should have been my daughters the happy first year of my daughters life in hiding. When I should have been out with her and enjoying the world I was at home scared of death. See I live in Cali and out here we had an outbreak of Whooping Cough. Now I could spend my whole blog pointing fingers but that would be pointless. But here is the thing, the whole anti vax thing, I get it. I'd be scared too but I'm not....I'm scared of death. I'd rather have seven kids with autism then living my life with one of them dead because of something that could be prevented. I agree that vaccines need to be safer but parents need to be smart and realize that DEATH is preventable autism isn't. And it can't be cured either. I realize that some people are going to have a hard time with this but live in my shoes. Be scared that your child is going to die rather then he scared of living a life with autism, death is final death doesn't ever change. Autism can be made better with the right therapy. I'd rather never sleep again because of autism then have sleepless nights over my dead child.

I'm so sick of Jenny McCarthy and her Generation Rescue, I don't understand their train of thought. They want to pump our kids full of stuff that they aren't sure how it will effect them, but are anti vax? Make me, help me understand that? We're scared of Big Pharma?! Really! All those parents aren't more scared of death?! Is Big Pharma making money off those parents who's kids died because other parents didn't give their children their proper shots?

Be scared of death....live a day in my shoes for a second, better yet live in the parents who's kids died because of the anti vax movement! Explain to them why their child is dead...

Wordless Wednesday ~~~Racers New Joy

The Words That Aren't There

I'm very blessed, Racer went from non verbal to a whole lot of speech in over a year. But we're still lacking a lot, it crushes my spirit when I hear comments like "well he's talking a lot", when there is so much more to speech then talking. Which brings me to last night, I ventured into bed some time around 2am and around 2:30am I hear Racer sort of do this grunting scream. Now usually I'd jump right out of bed to see what was wrong but this time I didn't because usually what follows is crying and him coming into bed, but this time it was followed by more silence. Then it came, his running footsteps and hurdle into my bed. 

Now this usually goes two 

1. He will rock and scream in what seems like pain for hours it seems

2. He's crash right on top of me or next to me and fall asleep.

Last night was a third option, this was something new and this is how it went. He came into the bed cried a bit and then fell into my arms. He wanted to cuddle and have me wrap my arms around him. Now usually he lets me  hug him a bit in bed but gets annoyed with being that close to someone and hates the ever slightest breath on his head or near his ears. I've even gone as far as to pull my head back away from him but he still freaks out by it. As I'm holding him, I can feel his tense little body twitch and sort of struggle with itself and then it happened, I felt him relax and start to sleep. I lay there for a bit with him in my arms and started to cry because I realized that this is the first time since he was a baby that he's fallen asleep in my arms without being in full meltdown mode. I lay there thinking about all the words he can't say, the words that escape him because he doesn't understand what's happening to his body. Some where in all that thinking and crying I fell asleep, when I woke up this morning he was right in his usual spot, near my knees and in his sort of circle of space he has for himself. Its those times when he's asleep that I wish I could peek into his head and understand his struggles. I want for those to be my struggles, because no matter how many words he says now, there are still so many that aren't there and that breaks my heart.

I'M HUNGRY

Its been one of those months that hasn't really been great but its zoomed by so quickly its been harder to remember where and when everything got kinda shitty. It started with MOM I'M HUNGRY and it hasn't stopped. Now I think any other child I would just assume growth spurt and move on but with Racer its sometimes so much more then that and that's what worries me. 

Racer isn't known as the best eater in the house, he can put it away but he's very limited on what he eats and how he eats it. Needs a bun for his hot dog but eats around the bun, wants a hamburger but only takes 3 bites and he's done. His favorite right now has to be his dino chicken nuggets and bean and cheese burritos, I can get him to eat those faithfully no matter what time of the day. He's a good cereal eater, will finish his milk and everything. Anyways during his usual growth spurts either he isn't eating at all or cuts down to one meal a day and he's in a lot of pain at night. But lately all I've heard right after he eats is MOM I'M HUNGRY, I hear that all day. The first week I relented and fed him again, then I tried to make sure that everyone was eating at the same time, but in this house sometimes thats just asking for chaos. So I let it go, figuring it was just a growth spurt but here we are maybe 3 weeks or 2 weeks later and still dealing with MOM I'M HUNGRY. And this is at any time of the day or night, and right after he eats. And he will eat again or whine about it till I let him eat again. Its not like he's fat, he's a super skinny kid, what I worry about is if he's sensory seeking with food. I'm at a totally loss here. I'm going to have to take him to the doc but is she going to know what to look for? And we are still on the hunt for a good Neuro doc. Anyone else deal with this problem? I really need help on this one.

Something New

By RacersMommy | View this Toon at ToonDoo | Create your own Toon

So after reading over at Gina's blog I found her sunday cartoon series she's working on. Loving the idea I hopped over to www.toondoo.com and made my own. lol after the kids all fighting over what they looked like this is what we came up with. So check it out, make one and link up with Gina at her Sunday Special

A Thank You of Sorts

Its midnight, I've been sick...I managed to get to bed super early tonight but woke up and now I'm wide awake. I tried to go back to bed, because when else by the grace of whoever would this extra magical sleep be given to me. But I couldn't and as I was laying there I was thinking about how I haven't blogged and when I don't I have so much pent up crap. As I lay there I thought about how my blogs lately have been a lil depressing. I try not to think of it that way, because I'm not depressed not in the least. What I am is living a life unplanned, and lately I've been thinking about that more and more. Spring break is coming up and all I can think about is how much I'm dreading it. Not because I'll be in the house with 7 kids, but because times like these are hard for Racer which in turn makes it hard for the rest of us. I've set my mind on planning a weeks worth of fun things to do with them to keep the boredom away. Problem is that it won't keep autism away, maybe for a day or two if I'm lucky but that's a leap.

And with that this brings me to the life unplanned....a few days ago I was talking to someone about what used to be. Got me thinking to 3yrs ago when stuff was a lot easier. That was right before we got the Dx for Racer, back when his being different was odd but it wasn't autism. And that got me to thinking about why it was so important to get that Dx, because that changed a lot, it changed everything. It made life harder, it made me a stronger mother but it also made me very angry at the world. I've become a force of nature, something that I'm not always proud of. Because of that I have very little patience for people, everything has a place and a time and if its not the way it should be I can't stand it. I can't stand stupid humor, or annoying people. And now I'm starting to rant lol But let me say this, in a world of people I can't stand there are a group of people that I'm grateful for. My friends, and my close family, I'm grateful for my readers, and for those people who have told me how much all my blogging means to them. Its those comments that love that I hold close to my heart, its what gets me through the dark parts of it all because I know those people will be there no matter what. And even if the annoying people outweigh the wonderful people I know it means a lot just to have them.

So here it is folks, my blog that brings me back  to blogging, the venting, ranting and laughter will continue because its what gets me by along with all the friends that I am grateful for.

What Do You Want To Be?

I have two blogs to post today but this one comes first. I've come to a point that the only future thinking I want to worry about it making sure Racer has money when he gets older. I don't want to worry about him in that way, regardless of where he's at or what he's doing I want to make sure money is not a problem. I used to always worry about  Racer future, would he go to college, would he still be living with me and his dad? But I've realized that it could be any of my kids that face those same issues but Racers autism makes him uniquely special in that respect.

So today at the award show the VP asked the kids what they wanted to be when they grew up. Now all the kids hands shot up and after a small delay Racer brought his hand up. Most kids answered the usual cop, or doctor, teacher or vet. And I've never posed this question to Racer, there is always so much other stuff we are dealing with to worry about it. When he got to him, Racer just froze, I kind of had that gut check feeling knowing this isn't something that we have ever dealt with. I looked over to his teacher who smiled at me and then walked over to Racer and whispered something to him. When the VP came back around his teacher motioned over to Racer and was asked again what he wanted to be, over the mic.... (giggles frm other parents)

 Racer says "uhhhh"  (giggles frm other parents)

Teacher: Remember what you just told me?

Racer: (mumbles) Cop

Now I suppose I would be thankful to the teacher for getting him to say something, but who's benefit was it for? I know Racer has never been prepped like that, to expect him to even think about that right now seems silly. He lives in the literal world and future stuff doesn't matter to him. I really didn't need her putting on a show for my benefit....and after I write this I'm not going to think on it any further.

When Racer got him and had his millionth snack and finished his homework, he was sitting in my lap playing puzzles on my phone. I asked him what he wanted to be when he got bigger, and he whispered Fireman, when I asked him why he said "because they save the day". I hugged his lil stone body and smiled to myself, because that was all I needed to hear.

Holla!!

I totally already posted my blog for the day but then this song came on my pandora and it makes me think about Racer and me and his world

I Met Someone!!

I met someone who makes my heart race and gets me excited!!! The school principle! And before you get all pervy here let me explain!

As you all know I've had a really hard time getting Racer to school, I just can't force myself to drag him down the streets kicking and screaming sometimes. Its heart breaking and depressing that I lost him that way, he used to love going to school and its gone. Anyways the school principle called me into a meeting today about his attendance. I wasn't sure how to feel about all of this, was I to be defensive or upset or emotional? Up until now its been nothing but stone walls, no one wants to help but everyone keeps insisting he go to school.

The week of gifts worked but I could break the bank going down that road and I want him to  feel comfortable being there, not just thinking in the back of his mind that he's getting gifts and suffering for some awesome puzzle. Then the week after that he was line leader and I used that to get him to school because he knew his job was important. During that week I had a small conversation with the teacher that she was so glad that he was going to school....BUT wasn't sure what was going to happen next week when he didn't have a job to do. Everyone has just stressed about how important it is that he is there, but where is the support to get him there and the understanding about why this is going on? What makes me think is that ONE they don't care, or TWO they don't believe me and Racers dad when we say that he doesn't want to come. And is that because he "looks" fine when he is there? Because he isn't when he comes home, he isn't on Friday when we've hit the end of the week and is to over stressed and stimulated to even want to focus. Does his teacher even know what to look for when he is sensory seeking? I would hate to think that she just assumed he's like all other cases, his stims in public are very faint but if you know what you are looking at then you know what you need to see. Because no one has asked me what they are.

Anyways.... I was nervous going into this meeting. BUT and here is the shocker, it went really well! I was overcome, because finally someone was listening! She suggested some ideas for home and that she was going to talk to Racers IEP team. That she was at least willing to listen and hear me out and work with me instead of just brushing me off makes me feel wonderful and empowered! Its sad that I had to go in there defensive, sad that I had to have my guard up because sometimes we meet some wonderful people that are willing to help in the face of all the stone walls.

For Deeds 3/7/11

Some very exciting events going on for our lil friend Deeds!! First off the twitter party that was hosted helped them raise over a 100 dollars! Please remember that every lil bit helps and adds up, so if you feel like you can't contribute much its still something. The YuckMouths are hard at work collecting cans and bottles to recycle and send the money to Deeds for his service dog.

Now in case you missed it here is Deed's story ! But more news has come down the pipe from the most awesome mom of all over at the Monster house.....lots of stuff to read my lovely friends. But most of all I hope that you can all donate whatever you can to help Deeds!!!

I'm selfish

I put up, live, hate, love, tolerate, with autism....some how that sentence doesn't make sense but it does to me. There isn't one day that autism isn't around, its here to stay and that's how I put up with it. Some days I love it, I make sure that I take a extra ten minutes to walk to school with Racer because he loves counting the bricks outside of the church that we pass, and looking at the birds on the wire and asking me where they go when the fly off. I love how his lil mind works always thinking, I can see it in his eyes when he tries to form big questions for me. The way his fingers fiddle with his shirt and how his lil eyebrows lift when he's just about got it. And I love his smush face when I say something funny to him (funny for me) and he doesn't want to laugh but I know he is on the inside. But most of all I miss all the things that he doesn't do, and this is when I hate autism.

We are a very loving family, I come from a very loving family. We are all hugs and kisses and facial expressions of love. And I want that from my son! I hate that autism takes him from me in that way! It sucks and its horrible! Sure I know he loves me, why wouldn't he? He's my son and all kids love their parents, but I want to hear it! I want to be showered with lil kisses and hugs! I want him to turn around and wave goodbye when I drop him off at school, not because I've trained him to but because he wants to. And this sucks and I feel selfish for even thinking about how horrible autism is right now.

I love and adore when I see lil bursts of his love (in his own way). The few times I have heard him say I love you without prompts. The few kisses I've gotten.....but its hard, he's five and I can count these times on one hand.

I started feeling this way when CareBear started giving everyone hugs and they are so big and so tight for such a lil girl. And she loves giving them to Racer and he stands there oddly still like stone and endures it. I feel sad for them....both CareBear and PigPen love him so much and they question his standoffish-ness.

As we sit and wait and wait some more for therapy for him, for some sort of break thru in social skills, it gets harder and harder and I hate it.