What's a cuddle?

I've been trying not to get the heartbreak moments anymore. I realize that its pointless because in the world of autism there are always going to be those golden moments and then those moments that totally break my heart. This morning was no exception.

We were all up early even though the YM daddy takes the kids to school in the morning. It just happened to be one of those mornings where no one can find socks and shoes and "I don't want to wear that jacket" occurs all at the same time. It was also super cold this morning again so I was under the covers with the girls and Racer was laying in the bed with us. Now before I move forward with this story I have to say that when he's ready and willing he's all for a snuggle but it has to be on his terms and never me forcing him to lay close. So when it happens I love it, he's a loving child in his own way but not what you'd get from a NT kid. So I hear him chattering his teeth (he's also a drama kid) and I tell him "come lay with mommy and lets cuddle" To this he tells me "what's cuddle?" Kind of struck me as odd because he likes to cuddle but it never dawned on me that he didn't know what he was actually doing when he lays close to me or his dad. So it turned into a learning experience that I don't think he enjoyed very well. He was giggling and complaining that I was tickling him to much and ended up laying away from me and the girls anyways. lol he doesn't like to be breathed on is another problem. That slightly warm breath on the back of your neck when you snuggle with your loved on unnerves him deeply. It always has, which is probably why I don't cuddle with him unless he wants to.

But that usually ends up with him laying extremely close behind me or at my feet. But this is how it is and probably will before ever. And its not so much a heartbreak moment as it just a different way of doing things. I accept my son for his limits and his differences, its what makes him unique. And while I may be crying on the inside sometimes, I'm lucky and grateful for the chance to look at life from a different point of view