My Heartbreak

I've never claimed to be a good mom or even a great mom...I try my best and if that doesn't work I try again. I've been a mom for 15years almost now, I've never asked for a break or threw up my hands and said "I'm done". I've been a single mom before and raised my oldest kids without their dad for their entire lives. My oldest is 15 and I can say that he's never spent more then one year of their lives with him. I don't fault him for that anymore, he just couldn't handle it. I've never asked him for a dime and he's never given me one in return. I love my kids and I would have have done anything for them.

Recently my oldest has taken to wanting to go live with his dad, I've put it off for a whole year but its neverending begging  for him. A few weeks ago I relented and we started the process of finding his dad. (yes the man who he wants to live with so badly isn't even someone I have contact with) When we did get in contact with him of course he was over the moon about his son wanting to live with him. The following conversations between me and his father did not go so well and I didn't feel comfortable one bit letting him go. I put my foot down finally and decided it wasn't a good idea, cut to HUGE drama scene. Now he wants his dad to take him to court so he can say he wants to live with him and the judge will agree.

But here is what I don't understand.

Whats wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? I get the whole golden mystery of his dad but why does he have to go all the way to AZ to figure that out. I sit here and it runs over and over in my head, I just don't understand it. Why are I just not good enough?

The Countdown

So I don't know how it works in other neighborhoods but I live in the ghetto and around here the 4th of July starts a little early. LIKE A FUCKING MONTH EARLY!! Used to be fun, I LOVE the 4th but not so much in the last 3yrs. At first it was just him hiding in the house, but at least we could go out and still enjoy them. Then one year he burned himself on a sparkler and then it was GAME OVER!  The next year we opted to stay home can't remember if we were broke or what cause buying fireworks is damn expensive.

*mini rant*  If I wanted to spend over a hundred dollars on something it wouldn't be fireworks...might as well just lite the money on fire.

Anyways we stayed home rented some movies and the daddy bbq it was awesome. I'd thought we'd be pretty safe at home since my city doesn't allow fireworks but I was wrong. I didn't count on the neighbors making it rain outside like a strip club on speed. So my kids begged and dragged me outside to see, and Racer being who he is wants to do what their doing and went out too. I don't even think we made it halfway down our sidewalk when the first firework went off when I just see a streak of Racer running back up the street, up our driveway and hear the door slam. That was a total bust and we spent two months of not being able to go outside at night at all, that's how afraid he was. That wasn't just for him, it was all of us. I mean here it was summer and hot as hell in Cali and me and the daddy would be sitting outside relaxing when we'd hear the begging to come inside before something bad happened to us. We couldn't even be out late and get home when it was dark cause he would be freaking out in the stroller or the car.

So to say that I've been FREAKING OUT in the last month is a understatement. Even now I'm doing a face palm because I just realized why he's been so off the last few weeks. DUH MOM.

But this year I'm prepared, my droid plays netflix now and I got him a pair of soft headphones and he'll just be able to escape to movie land if it gets to much for him. I think I'm ok with staying home (for now), I really miss family bbq's but we're just not ready for it.

Legos, Star Wars, YouTube and Daddy.

I realize that sometimes its hard to bond with Racer. He either wants you to play his way or play the same game over and over again. One thing that has become his favorite is watching "how to" videos on Youtube, anywhere from how to play Angry Birds to movie trailers to how to play his favorite game. Another favorite of his is the Star War Lego games on the xbox. Basically he's in ASD heaven lol. Legos + Star Wars = zero meltdowns....at least till its time to turn it off.

Those of you who know me and the YuckMouth family know we are a gaming group. Me and the kids and the hubs all have accounts on the xbox, the kids have a Wii and we have a kinect. So the hubs has been on a quest to get 100% completion on this game....don't tell him but I think it because Racer and Wolverine have finished more of the game then he has.

Anyways there are a few sites online that you can get "hints" how to finish a level or collect all the mini kits to complete extra characters. Then it dawned on me to try Youtube...when all else fails go to YT!  So the hubs has been checking out the videos on there, I don't think Racer paid much attention to it at first till he noticed that daddy was getting passed him in the game. (I swear this family...to much competition) So now Racer and him are watching the videos together lol. The scene that has unfolded all day makes me smile cause they two of them are working together and bonding and I don't think either one of them realizes how big what they are doing is.

But here is my little boy who struggles to express himself and play with others, talking to his dad about what he sees on the computer. And here is the hubs talking to him about how to do this level or "look what we missed". Warms my little heart I even took a picture but looking at it just doesn't do it justice.

This are the moments we autism parents live for, no matter who short lived they are they were there to begin with and that's what matters.

Fathers Day ~ For Roy

I got to thinking about dads and Fathers Day and how over the years its dramatically changed for us. Most don't know that there was quite a period of time before the autism came to be. There would be movies and dinners out, extended shopping trips and theme parks almost every weekend. The change was slow to be sure, it happened over a time and then all of a sudden I almost didn't even remember when the last time we went out was.

But here it was on Fathers Day, when dads are out, parties are taking place and here we are at home. I have to give the YM daddy a lot of credit. Most don't know he used to work in the movie/tv industry, he's used to the hustle and bustle of the crowd. He's used to parties and hanging out with friends and family, and in a way we are all.

He takes it all in stride that both his sons are different. That there might not be sports and taking a interest in what he does. Instead its replaced by legos and therapy and meltdowns. All those hopes for the college football star are put aside for the hopes of words and peer play. The things that fathers take for granted with their own children aren't there for the YM daddy. But everyday he wakes up and he loves his kids no matter the differences. He's learned to play, interact and love differently.

I applaud him for being the man he is today and everyday because he is my rock, he is the kids rock. He should have his own theme song. So even though today is "Fathers Day" and we should be honoring the man that gave them life. I want to honor him everyday by being the father that most men aren't, that most men don't think about. The father that takes everyday in the world of autism and ADHD and he makes it his own. That he doesn't just love his kids he loves their differences.

In A Past Life

I swear I must have some evil karma coming my way, I must have in a past life stepped on a freaking ant or something. I can't understand how there could be NO speech therapy that is cover by my insurance in my local area!

I want to stab someone at Regional Center for even suggesting to me a place that Racer would age out of in two months! It will probably take me longer then that to get him in there! Which leads me right back to the school...why aren't they seeing what Regional Center saw? Why aren't either one of them seeing what UCLA saw? I don't get it....I mean I get that budget cuts and funding is low but WTF?

I will never get the answer for this but I want to know why Racer has had 3 different evaluations in a little over a year and all three of them are drastically different? I stare at them over and over again, retrace our steps in my head, bang my head on my keyboard and lay awake at night trying to understand a system that has been put into place for our kids but blocks them and covers their tracks in red tape.

I don't live in the land of help I live in the land of "pass the buck". Well fuck you I'm keeping my damn buck and investing it in my son and doing what I can since so many seem to tell me that they can't do anything.

Searching For Change

I really wanted to blog about how depressed I've become, how I think the system is failing my sons. But my story is not uncommon and any different then millions of other parents out there struggling to do the right thing for their kids. I suppose that I could sit here and wallow in self pity and depression, totally throw in the towel and call it a day. But acceptance has never been my strong suit, it has never been my position to roll over and take it laying down.

So now how do we (I) fix it? Where to begin? I thought my blog would be enough, that my daily posts would bring my voice to a much needed community. But it has brought my attention more to the fact that there are so many out there like myself, begging and pleading for anyone to listen. Taking the small handouts of help in the hopes that its enough. Taking the snide and callous remarks of other parents and teachers and officials regardless of the right and wrong of it. Most of us take it, we smile and we push on in the hopes that maybe next year someone will listen. Meanwhile our kids sit quietly in the corner, or behave in a way that makes them look like the aggressor.

When will that change?