My Heartbreak

I've never claimed to be a good mom or even a great mom...I try my best and if that doesn't work I try again. I've been a mom for 15years almost now, I've never asked for a break or threw up my hands and said "I'm done". I've been a single mom before and raised my oldest kids without their dad for their entire lives. My oldest is 15 and I can say that he's never spent more then one year of their lives with him. I don't fault him for that anymore, he just couldn't handle it. I've never asked him for a dime and he's never given me one in return. I love my kids and I would have have done anything for them.

Recently my oldest has taken to wanting to go live with his dad, I've put it off for a whole year but its neverending begging  for him. A few weeks ago I relented and we started the process of finding his dad. (yes the man who he wants to live with so badly isn't even someone I have contact with) When we did get in contact with him of course he was over the moon about his son wanting to live with him. The following conversations between me and his father did not go so well and I didn't feel comfortable one bit letting him go. I put my foot down finally and decided it wasn't a good idea, cut to HUGE drama scene. Now he wants his dad to take him to court so he can say he wants to live with him and the judge will agree.

But here is what I don't understand.

Whats wrong with me? Why aren't I good enough? I get the whole golden mystery of his dad but why does he have to go all the way to AZ to figure that out. I sit here and it runs over and over in my head, I just don't understand it. Why are I just not good enough?